The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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