So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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