I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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