I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
i drank out of a bidet.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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