I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
