Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
