Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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