if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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