I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
