Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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