i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
