So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
