the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
