My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize