Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
