I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
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