just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
