You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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