Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
