Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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