Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
