She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
