When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
