It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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