Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Randomize
