He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
