So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
a search helicopter?!
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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