My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
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