Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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