Life is so much better after having sex.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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