i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize