Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
