a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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