did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
