running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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