i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
