Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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