don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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