Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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