I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
