i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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