Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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