I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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