i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
