well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
