I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize