I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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