i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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