The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize