Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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