Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
