Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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