I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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