If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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