you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize