cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Randomize
