i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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