Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
