literally had 100 drinks last night.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
