I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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