you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
