Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
