im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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